


Nothing Could Ever Change

by AriaGrill



Series: Heartbeat [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Chronic Illness, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Steve Rogers, Like One Paragraph, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, anger issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26574952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriaGrill/pseuds/AriaGrill
Summary: “Sorry,” He croaked with a smile, ever trying to be the one strong for his Steve. “I’m sorry if this isn’t the reaction you were expecting, but when you tell me you needed to talk to me alone and you were getting all choked up just now I could only think the worst. Everything else seems trivial after that.”“You thought I was dying?” Steve laughed.“Yeah, I did, but I’m not sorry for worrying about you,” Bucky leaned down to cup Steve’s face. “You’re my best friend, Steve. I love you and nothing could ever change that, especially parts of you that have always been there.”“Yeah, back at ya.” Steve weakly smiled, his heart aching at those three little words that meant more to him than Bucky could ever realize.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Series: Heartbeat [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1936336
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	1. Nothing Could Ever Change

Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were best friends since 1st grade, when Steve was six. Some bigger kids were picking on the quiet, small, sickly kid thinking he’d be an easy target, which he would’ve been had Bucky not stepped it. He was able to hold his own when his verbal defense turned violent. Bucky was the one who got in trouble, which didn’t go down well with his parents who punished him severely for it, which is something he’d always keep to himself away from Steve. They were best friends and more akin to brothers from that day onwards.

* * *

Steve had his surgery at Nine. It was open heart surgery. He stayed in the hospital for a week, and the doctors said that his room needed to be a clean room, and that they strongly suggested he couldn’t have visitors or even go outside due to his already bad immune system for a few months. Bucky would always make sure Steve was doing well, talk to him on the phone everyday when he was in the hospital, and bring his work to and from school, but would always ask Sarah to see her son.

Following what the doctor said, she didn’t let Bucky see him, and she would calmly explain that and remind him every time he asked. Bucky was clever, though. She was able to see him, and she needed to work, so he would need a babysitter. Bucky would camp out outside his apartment for hours everyday after school until she caved and allowed him to see him, on the condition that he has to shower with a special soap, and wear scrubs while seeing Steve. He didn’t even hesitate to agree.

They spend lost time together, Steve showing Bucky everything he’d drawn, including a comic book where they were superheroes, and Steve talked his ear off, while Bucky would patently listen to him, just happy to hear his voice, even at that age.

That night, Bucky fell asleep curled up protectively against Steve, with his fist balled up over the bandages on his chest.

After that, Bucky would come over everyday to spend time with his friend, and would become even more protective of other kids picking on him then he already was. When Bucky was ten- one year older than Steve, he was a human med reminder to Steve to take his, much to his annoyance as they got older. 

* * *

“I love you, Bucky,” an eleven year old Steve told his best friend when they were camping on the rooftop of his building and watching a movie on a projector, something they’d always do on nice nights when they didn’t have school the next morning or in the summer.

Bucky looked over at him and smiled. “Love you too, Stevie.”

* * *

Age fourteen in freshman year was hell for Steve, the most happened in this time. 

While Steve would always get into fights, though he never started them before. He began to start physical fights over random dickwads talking shit about him or other people he cared about.

Puberty wasn’t getting at him like it was his classmates. He got more body hair, but it was thin and since he’s a blonde, it was hardly noticeable. He was still small in every way, and his voice barely got any deeper. His mom would reassure him that he still had time, but that did nothing to ease him.

This was only made worse that even at fifteen, Bucky was blessed with puberty hitting him like a train. His voice dropped to the floor, he got taller and muscled up, and he had multiple girls flirting with him all the time, and he eventually started dating them. All this made Steve feel frustrated among other things he thought was envy over Bucky’s perfect body and how he could get anyone he wanted just by turning on his charm. Hell, he was just naturally that charismatic when he wasn’t even trying.

It would be a while before he learned that he was indeed envy, but that it was of the girls being that close to Bucky, and being able to kiss and touch him like he wanted to. 

The memory of Bucky in his bed, cuddled up to him protectively, as if by sheer will he could keep him safe, protected, and healthy, only hurt him more when he realized Bucky would be holding people who weren’t him like that, and he’d never feel that again.

He was in love with his best friend.

Around this time, Steve realized he was gay. As soon as he was sure, he told Bucky first thing. He needed to tell someone, and he knew Bucky would accept him no matter what, but that didn’t make it or his lingering paranoia any easier, especially with the revelation coming with him realizing he loved Bucky more than a friend or even a brother. Steve invited him to camp out on the roof of his building over the weekend, which Bucky gladly accepted.

They had a fire pit going as they set up a digital projector to watch a movie. When it was over, Steve sat up and leaned over on the side of the chair, and Bucky did the same. “Bucky, I- I’m...” Steve tightly shut his eyes and froze as the words choked him. It took him a minute before he finally bit the bullet. “I’m gay, Bucky.” 

“That’s it?” Bucky sounded almost relieved.

“What the fuck do you mean-” Steve opened his eyes as he started to yell before his friend enveloped him in a tight hug that hurt his back, which made him audible gasp, and Bucky pulled back quickly. 

“Sorry,” He croaked with a smile, ever trying to be the one strong for his Steve. “I’m sorry if this isn’t the reaction you were expecting, but when you tell me you needed to talk to me alone and you were getting all choked up just now I could only think the worst. Everything else seems trivial after that.”

“You thought I was dying?” Steve laughed. 

“Yeah, I did, but I’m not sorry for worrying about you,” Bucky leaned down to cup Steve’s face. “You’re my best friend, Steve. I love you and nothing could ever change that, especially parts of you that have always been there.”

“Yeah, back at ya.” Steve weakly smiled, his heart aching at those three little words that meant more to him than Bucky could ever realize.

“And sorry for pushing advice about girls on you, that couldn’t have been easy,” Bucky apologized as he leaned back on the lounge chair and Steve dismissively waved a hand at him. “But if I can make it up to you… I’d be happy to give you some pointers with guys.”

“Yeah,” Steve nodded, before it really hit him. “Wait, really?” He smirked.

“I mean, it’d mostly be hook up advice rather than long term dating, but if I ever get there you’ll be the first to know.”

Steve’s smile fell and his heart sank. “Really?” Steve regretted how angry it came out, and Bucky interpritended his hurt as judgement. He had an idea that Bucky had done some stuff, but the conformation that he has was just another nail in the coffin.

“Yeah, Steve, I fool around with guys I’m not dating. We wrap it up and I tell Ellie where I’m going, and who I’m going to see while leaving out the details. There's nothing wrong with that because I’m not an idiot.”

“No, I’m not, I’m- I’m not judging you, you’ve always come across as the type to court a person before sleeping with them.”

It was a good save, because Bucky started laughing. “‘Courting’? What are we, ninety?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, right. Sorry, Steve,” he averted his gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You just looked really disappointed is all.”

“No, never,” Steve shook his head and forced a smile.

* * *

His mental health also tanked around this age. He was angrier and more bitter, and his fighting continued. The smallest thing would set him off. He would occasionally join up with some burnout artsy people he genuinely got alone with, and assholes who only kept him around as a fall guy with whatever trouble he was getting up too, which he was a few times before he wised up. 

Since Bucky was taking AP classes, Steve didn’t have any with him, so no one was there to stand up for him or stop him from getting into fights. Weekends and time after school were taken up by his football practice, and what little free time he did have, he made for whoever he was dating at the time. Steve knew he should be happy for him that he had someone, but he hated it. He should’ve felt sorry for Bucky whenever he had a breakup, or stopped seeing someone, but he couldn’t help but feel happy that they’d have more time together.

He did have a few other friends, like Tony Stark and Sam Wilson, and he loved to hang out with them, he wasn’t codependent on Bucky, but going from seeing and spending time with his best friend and the guy he loved everyday, to only seeing him for an hour or two every week hurt in a way he couldn’t help but take personally. For two years, the only time he was able to spend the most time real with him was in the summer.


	2. Creep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for body imagine, angst, and implied/fade to black self harm  
> This chapter is skippable without much confusion for the rest of the fic and series overall if you wish to avoid that. Stay comfy, people.

When Steve was sixteen, he went to every football game of Bucky’s, even though he hated it, and sports in general for multiple different reasons. Steve went anyway, because he wanted to be there for his friend to cheer him on, because it mattered to Bucky. He’d take whatever time he could have with him, even if it was just a car ride to and from the game.

Their school won, and as Bucky and the other guys were heading to the locker room, he waved to Steve, and he waved back with a wide smile. He waited until the stands were mostly cleared out before he got up to meet with Bucky, but he wasn’t in the usual spot they met up with after games, so he asked around. Some people were dicks to him, but there wasn’t anything new about that. There was this one girl in his class, Peggy, who was a cheerleader and was usually nice to people, including him the few times they spoke, so he asked her. “Hey, Peggy?”

“Yes?” She warmly smiled with her bright red lipstick.

“Do you know where Bucky is? He’s not in our usual waiting spot.”

“Yeah, I think I saw him go that way,” she said as she gestured to the storage building for sports equipment. 

“Thanks, Peg,” he nodded as he headed over there without waiting for her response. He creeped around the building and his stomach flipped at what he saw.

Bucky was with a guy Steve recognized as Jordan Harris. Both of them had their pants down, and they were rubbing themselves together. Bucky cupped Jordan's face as they kissed open mouthed. The way he looked at and smiled at him, caressed his skin, and his touch lingered on his body, and the way Jordan did to him- it was the way he wished Bucky touched him and how he could touch Bucky. It made the blood echo in Steve’s ears. He felt cold and like he was about to collapse from the swimming in his head. 

Steve didn’t remember how he got home, and he really didn’t care. His mom wasn’t home, and she wouldn’t be home until the next morning, so he had the apartment to himself. 

Bucky wasn’t his, Steve knew that, but when he saw him like that it felt like he caught him cheating. Even though Bucky didn’t ‘kiss and tell’, he’d still always tell his best friend about his relationships. It hurt, but he was happy that Bucky was happy. He knew Bucky loved and wanted him, but nowhere near the way he wanted to be wanted. 

He stumbled into the bathroom. He stripped off his clothes save for his boxers and looked in the mirror. He hated what he saw. The scar over his heart, the way he had such little body fat and zero muscle that made the skin tightly hug his bones, and just over all how fragile he and his health was, no matter how much he hated to admit it, or would deny it to anyone who asked. 

Steve felt selfish for how much hatred he felt for Jordan, who didn’t even do anything wrong. He wasn’t mad at Bucky, and he didn’t hate him. He could never hate him, no matter what he did. He hated himself for how angry actually seeing someone who wasn’t him make Bucky happy. He didn’t think he’d ever be good enough for him, for a million reasons that went through Steve’s head anytime he felt like telling Bucky how he actually felt, and only a few good ones. None of which was worth the slight risk of losing him, no matter what Bucky promised him

Steve knew he was as physically strong as a wet noodle, but he always thought he had his will and emotional strength, but the worst part of what he saw was how red his eyes were from crying. The one source of strength he had shattered like the mirror when he punched it.

He screamed from the pain and fell onto the floor, before a small wave of relief overcame him from the anger, hate, and sadness. It made him feel better. His phone that had already been ringing and blaring with text notifications increased their frequency. He ignored them up to this point, but couldn’t anymore. He took them out of his pants pocket to look at a few of the texts.

_ ‘Steve, where are you, I’ve been waiting here for you for like twenty minutes’ _

_ ‘Call me’ _

_ ‘Hey asshole, pick up your damn phone’ _

_ ‘Please just let me know you’re alright and you weren’t kidnapped or killed by someone’  _ Steve scoffed at that, like anyone would think he’s worth kidnapping, and that it was more likely he’d randomly drop dead than be murdered by some rando. Bucky never seemed to think that was a possibility, and always brushed it off whenever Steve brought it up.

_ ‘I love you, just let me know you're okay. If you don’t I’m calling your mom and 911’ _

“Fuck!” Steve screamed as he hit his head in frustration. He picked up the phone and was able to take a moment to fix his voice and pretend that he was okay. He was good at pretending or hiding things, like that he wasn’t sick or hurting so his mom wouldn’t worry, and so Bucky wouldn’t nag him about it to take it easy. Or pretending that he wasn’t hopelessly in love with his best friend, and seeing him with Jordan wasn’t the worst pain he's felt in his life that no pill could ever fix, but the glass that shattered and cut up his hand made him think he felt better.

He picked up the phone and dialed Bucky’s contact. He picked up halfway through the first ring. “Steve, where the fuck are you and why haven’t you answered me?”

“I’m at home, Buck,” Steve replied. “My phone died on the way home. I wasn’t feeling well, so I went home.”

“When has that ever stopped you before?” Okay, maybe Steve was good at hiding things, but not so good at lying directly to Bucky. He sighed into the phone and continued. “How’d you get home anyway?”

“I got an Uber,” It probably wasn’t a lie, he had it on his phone and used them before. He had to have gotten home somehow, and that was what most likely happened. He’d check the history later. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“You were really feeling so bad you couldn’t wait a few minutes for me, so you paid to get in a strangers car?” He could tell Bucky was calling him on it, but he really couldn’t care less.

“Yeah, sorry, Buck.”

“That’s a first,” he quietly said. “Is there anything you need me to do?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” he lied. “It’s not my heart or anything serious, so don’t worry, okay? I’m just having an off night and needed to lay down as soon as possible.”

“Well… Alright, Steve,” Bucky reluctantly replied. “Promise you’ll let me know if you need anything?”

“Yeah, I promise,” he agreed, just to get him off the phone. 

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” Steve hung up and broke down crying again, feeling worse than when he answered, only furthering his own feelings of selfishness from how much Bucky actually cared.

He thought he fell asleep when he opened his eyes and saw the large shards of the mirror on the ground reflecting up at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title for the song 'Creep' by Radiohead


	3. What We Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo, update! I can't believe how much of a roll I am with my first longfic, with chapters being as long as my one shots.

Despite saying he’d do otherwise, Steve didn’t show up to school the next day, and he obviously didn’t call Bucky to let him know, or return his calls or reply to his texts from the previous night. This had Bucky scared, because Steve would  _ always _ call or text him to let him know he wouldn’t be there, especially with how he saw him in the stands the previous night, and didn’t meet up with him afterwards because he wasn’t feeling well. Worried for his friend, he tried calling and texting him a few more times before and in between classes, which was only a few minutes so he couldn’t actually call. He waited until lunch to call Sarah- Steve’s mom, because it would give him the most time for both of them to talk, since he knew she wouldn’t be leaving for work until later in the day.

She picked up right away. “Hello, Bucky,” She greeted cheerily, which was a good sign.

“Hey, Ms. Rogers, Steve isn’t at school today. He hasn’t texted me back and I’ve been worried about him all day. Can you tell me if he’s okay?”

“If something happened to him, I promise you’d be the first person I’d tell,” Sarah swore. “Steve’s fine, he’s just not feeling well. He's been sleeping on and off all day.”

“Oh, okay,” Bucky nodded, not that she could see it, or how a thousand pound weight came off of him. “Can I come over after school?” Bucky asked just to be polite, he would’ve showed up after she went to work and let himself in like always.

“If I say no will you camp outside my apartment until I let you in?”

“Of course I will. How else am I gonna spend time with my buddy if you won’t let me in the room?”

“Right, of course,” She laughed. “I’ll see you when you get here, if I’m at work just let yourself in.”

They said their goodbyes, and Bucky sighed in relief, and was able to relax and focus for the rest of the day.

__________________________________

Sarah was on her way out of the apartment when Bucky came over. She was in a rush, so she quickly dismissed him. 

He knocked on Steve’s door, and entered when he heard a muffled, “Come in,” thinking it was his mom. His view of the door was obstructed by the giant sketchbook in his lap, so he didn’t realize who it was. “Forget something, ma?”

“No, but you seemed to have,” Steve froze, and was reluctant to put the sketchbook down, but it didn’t matter because Bucky walked over to him. 

“What are you doing here, Bucky?”

“You said you’d be at school today last night and you weren’t.”

“Yeah?” Steve said, slightly irritated.

“You told me last night that you were feeling so damn bad that you couldn’t wait ten miniuntes for me to take you home, hopped in a strangers car, said you’d be at school today, you weren’t, and didn’t call or respond to me this morning, so how do you think I’d react?” Bucky did his best to stay calm and keep his voice quiet, but it broke a few times like he was going to cry. “What’s wrong that’s different than your entire life? ” 

‘Take a wild fucking guess, Bucky,’ Steve thought, having his mind hyper focused on his wrist covered by his hoodie. “There’s nothing to go into detail about,” he shrugged as he started to become defensive. “I’m fine, seriously. Just needed a health break from school, it’s no big deal.”

“Physical, mental or something else? I’m asking because the last time you were acting like this, you came out to me,” Steve started to become more stressed at his prying. 

“I’m fine, Bucky, drop it,” Bucky sighed and he did, knowing Steve was in one of his ‘moods’ and he’d never win. At least for now. It was one of the only times Steve hated how close they were, because no one else would’ve noticed or given it a second thought.

Defeated, Bucky gave up on trying to get him to talk, but he still knew something was wrong, and didn’t want to leave Steve alone. He also genuinely wanted to spend time with him, so he had a suggestion. “Wanna watch a movie?” Bucky asked, and Steve huffed a chuckle at the turn of attitude. “Please?” He tilted his head while giving his pouty puppy eyes. “I brought gummy bears,” He tempted.

“What kind?”

Bucky smiled madly as he pulled a two pound bag out of his backpack. “Haribo, the only kind that should legally be allowed to exist.” 

Steve felt like an idiot and an asshole for being angry, and turning it on him like he was. Bucky was an angel and it wasn’t fair to play the mind games with him when he really didn’t do anything wrong. He was making an effort to be with and spend time with him and trying all the things Bucky knew would make him happy. That’s all he ever did and that’s all that mattered, furthering the idea in Steve’s head that he didn’t deserve him. He nodded and gestured for him to sit down as he moved to make room.

Bucky noticed the bandage on Steve’s hand. “What happened to your arm?” Bucky inquired as he gently held his bandaged wrist that went halfway up his forearm.

“I had a sudden and really bad pain flare and dropped a glass,” He made up the excuse. “Slipped in the water and fell on the glass, got all cut up, no biggie,” He brushed it off with a smile, hoping he’d believe his half truth.

Bucky smiled sadly and nodded. Steve didn’t know if Bucky believed him, and Bucky didn’t know if Steve was telling the truth or not, but when he brought Steve’s wrist to his lips and softly kissed it and his palm, it made him think that he saw through him, like always, but he didn’t push Steve to talk about it. “So Scott Pilgrim or Legally Blonde?”

“What about Clue?” Steve suggested. 

“Or the million Clue clones and homages,” Bucky chuckled as he put his arm over Steve’s shoulder and lightly squeezed, making Steve’s heart flutter as he read too much into the gesture. “Sure, haven’t seen that in a while and I forgot how it ended, and I always love a good Tim Curry movie,” he teased as he set his laptop between them, and turned on the movie.

About halfway into the movie, Bucky’s phone blared out the text notification. He looked at his phone and smiled for a moment before texting something back, turning it off, and throwing to the foot of the bed. Steve glanced up at him, debating if he should comment or not and bring back all his bad emotions from the previous night. “You don’t want to talk to your boyfriend?”

“For one thing, he’s not my boyfriend, and for another, he can rot if he doesn’t like that I’m spending time with you. I’m not throwing away what we have for dick that isn’t even that good.” Steve couldn’t help but laugh and feel happy at that for the wrong reasons. It then dawned on him. “Wait, what made you think that was my boyfriend? What made you think I even  _ have _ a boyfriend in the first place?” 

Steve stared blankly at him and gaped. “I mean, I’m right here, who else is going to make you that happy other than a boyfriend… or girlfriend?”

“Fair enough, but why a boyfriend?”

“I saw you walking funny a couple days ago.”

Bucky burst out into laughter as he leaned on Steve and tousled his hair. “Sure I was, Buddy.” They started the movie back up, and didn’t talk much apart from the odd comment here and there as it related to the movie, and Bucky pretending to be shocked when it was revealed that the butler did it.

“So what is it?” Steve asked once the movie was over.

“What is what now?”

“What is it we have?” Ah fuck. 

“Something that makes friendship or even brotherhood look like a joke,” Bucky nervously said as he adjusted himself on the bed and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘And your the man I love and the one I’d kill myself for if you needed my heart since you’d never make a transplant list,’ Bucky thought. “I love you, alright? If someone I’m with has a problem with how close we are, or are uncomfortable with it, I’ll choose you every time.”

“Yeah,” Steve muttered. “Back at ya.”


	4. No Reason

When Bucky was seventeen, he’d had enough of parents' abuse- something he’d always kept from Steve, and was able to gain emancipation. He got a job at a chain grocery store- a job he hated but needed, and was able to get a decent apartment for himself. He’d always call his sisters to make sure they were okay, and that their mother wasn’t neglecting them, and their dad didn’t touch them. It was a good system, and one where Steve spent the night every other weekend if his health permitted it.

One Friday night, he had a fight with the girlfriend of many months over something that’s considered small, but was a huge deal breaker to Bucky.

“What are you high on?” Bucky laughed as his girlfriend reentered his room entirely stoned. Her head swayed like it weighed 100 pounds as she made her way over to him and straddled his hips.

“Mmm…” She hummed. “Found these pain killers in your medicine cabinet,” Bucky’s smile fell to a dark and angry glare. “And I snorted some,” She held the bottle up to his face and shook it to make the pills rattle. “Want any?”

He quickly snatched the bottle from her hand and shoved her off of him as he got up, and quickly searched for his pants and put them on.

“Get out,” he demanded.

“What?” She scoffed. “Why?”

“Steve needs these pills to function because of how much fucking pain his back causes him, not because he wants to get high for fun!” Bucky yelled, getting angrier as he spoke.

“Oh come on, you’re okay with me taking any other drug but not this?”

“Yeah, because taking other drugs isn’t adding to the idea that some peoples rights need to be taken away, so addicts have a harder time getting access to the drug.”

“Oh yeah,” She sneered. “What right is that?”

“To not be in pain!” He said it like it was the most obvious thing. 

“What does it even matter, the gimps probably gonna die in a few years anyway.”

“Put your clothes on and get the fuck out, or I’m calling the cops,” he warned.

“You’re the one who has all these drugs in your bathroom!”

“Because Steve’s my best friend- he’s here all the time, and he can’t exactly take opioids to school. I’ll call the cops, he’ll come over here, and he can confirm, and I’d never take his medication away from him, even if I fucking needed them.”

Emma crossed her arms and planted her feet. “No, I’m not leaving.”

Bucky unlocked his phone to call the police she refused to put on her clothes and by extension- leave. He couldn’t be bothered to take the time to look up the number for the local non emergency PD because he just wanted her gone, so he called 911 to get her to leave.

“911, what’s your emergency?” 

“Alright, fine! I’m leaving,” Emma yelled 

“False alarm, sorry,” Bucky apologized, and the operator dismissed him as they hung up. She put her clothes on, and glared at him.

“So are you driving me home or what?”

“No,” Bucky deadpanned.

“What?”

“Sit in the lobey and order an Uber, walk, hitchike, I don’t care, just leave me the fuck alone, and never talk to me again.”

“James,” She chuckled, trying to walk over to him to cup his face, and he smacked her arms away.

“Don’t- Don’t touch me,” He started to get choked up. This wasn’t easy for him, as much as it seemed like. He really liked her, but she crossed a line you never come back from. “That’s not my fucking name and you know it,” he pleaded. “Just go.”

She eventually did after having a huge fit, but nothing ever came of it, much to Bucky’s relief.

The next day Bucky went out of his way to see at his place. Steve’s mom, Sarah, was at work, so Steve answered the door, and smiled widely. “Bucky, hey,” He greeted. “What are you doing here?” He stepped aside to let him in.

“Just wanted to see you is all. Have I ever needed a reason?” He leaned down to hug his friend closely, but not tightly as he rubbed Steve’s back, and swayed a little bit. He rested his head on Steve’s shoulder and smiled as he breathed in Steve’s shampoo. 

“No, but don’t you have a girlfriend or something that you should be spending time with?” Steve paused before adding. “And holding? Not that I’m against it.”

“Fuck her,” Bucky bitterly chuckled as he pulled back. “She and I are done.”

“What?” Steve startled. “I might have heard that wrong, I’m pretty high off my meds right now.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Bucky sighed before warmly smiling as he walked him over to the couch and started to rub his back. Steve closed his eyes and hummed at the contact. “Feel good?”

“Yeah,” Steve accidentally moaned, and panicked. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright, I’ll take it as a complement,” Bucky laughed and tried to comfort him.

“Thanks,” Steve blushed. “So you broke up with Emma. Why?”

“Does it matter? Come on,” he forced a laugh while he nudged Steve’s shoulder. “Sometimes people break up for no reason, and that’s okay. I’d much rather be here with you anyway.”

“Are you trying to flatter me, Barnes?” Steve laughed. “Because it’s working.” Bucky’s heart sang at the flirting. He couldn’t even pretend that he could live without being near him anymore.

Bucky couldn’t help but flirt back. “What kind of person makes a move on someone right after they break up with their partner, especially knowing it would work?” 

Steve nervously chuckled and sat down on the couch, Bucky soon after next to him.

They both thought it was always platonic and didn’t mean anything deeper, but it always did. 

Bucky put his arm around his shoulder and shook him a bit. “I’m not going to be with anyone if you don’t approve of them, and I will drop kick them out of my life if they don’t like you, especially if it’s because of parts of your identity. It could be that way with anyone I love, especially my sisters, so don’t feel bad, okay?”

“Yeah,” Steve whispered. “Okay”


	5. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler-y trigger/content warnings at the end of the fic

It all came to a head one fall night when Steve was sixteen. It was a bring break party that was open invite by someone Bucky couldn’t be bothered to remember who it was. Everyone was drinking, and a few people were doing various drugs, but Buck stuck to regular pop, because he had work in the morning.

“Bucky!” Steve cried out in joy as he saw his best friend at the party, wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Hey, Stevie,” Bucky hugged back, slightly confused. “What are you doing here? You hate parties,” he pushed him back, and nearly had all the air knocked out of him when he saw how flushed he was and his bloodshot eyes.

“I’m here with Brock,” Steve beamed as he gestured to a tall, beefy guy who looked like he was overcompensating for something walk up behind him.

“Brock,” Bucky plainly repeated as he gave him a death glare.

“Yeah, he’s on the uh… Baseball team?”

“Lacrosse,” Brock smirked with an arrogance Bucky knew well, and was immediately afraid for.

“Right,” Steve slurred a laugh.

“Steve, are you drunk?” Bucky questioned.

“You gonna nag me if I tell you I am?”

“N-No Steve, I won’t.” 

Steve tried to take Brock's hand, but he swatted it away. Steve looked like he was about to burst out crying but he quickly stopped it. “You don’t want anyone to know your secret, right?”

Before he could speak, Steve collapsed. Brock didn’t react, but Bucky dove to stop him from hitting the ground. 

“I got ya,” he helped Steve up, who regained his composer and tried to force himself out of Bucky’s arms.

“You coming, Steve?” Rumlow gruffed.

“No, he isn’t,” Bucky all but practically yelled as he held Steve tighter, but was still aware of his back and chest.

“He’s a big boy, Jimmy, he doesn’t need you to hold his hand, and can make his own choices.”

Bucky looked at Brock as if in hopes that it could kill him. He looked over to Steve and softened it, but was still just as serious. “Steve, if you aren’t leaving with me now I’m telling your mom you went to a party alone, and got plastered.”

Steve gave a death stare at Bucky before turning to Brock. “Rain check?”

Brock shook his head. “I don’t do rain checks. See ya, Rogers.”

“Brock,” Steve whined as he walked away before he felt pure rage. “I fucking hate you, James,” Steve spat before he made his way to the door. He had said ‘I hate you’ to Bucky before, Many times in fact, but it was always playfully after Bucky had teased him, usually his own way of saying ‘I love you’ without watering down the actual words, and he never, ever, called him James once in his life. It took everything Bucky had to not start crying, so he quickly followed Steve out the door.

Steve was waiting by the passenger side door for him. Bucky unlocked it as soon as he saw him. They didn’t speak during the ride back to Steve’s place, and he wouldn’t even look Bucky’s way.

Bucky pulled into the parking garage of Steve’s apartment, and finally spoke. “Can you walk?”

“Yeah,” Steve gruffed as he got out of the car and immediately collapsed, Bucky almost instantly at his side.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just-” Steve slumped his head when he realized he’d need help walking to his apartment.

“Can I help you to your place?” Unlike Brock, Bucky wanted and needed Steve’s permission at that moment to touch and hold him, even if it was to prevent him from smashing his face into the pavement or breaking a bone.

Steve only nodded in response, still not looking at him as he walked him to his door. Bucky used his copy of Steve’s apartment key to let himself in. “Is your mom home, Steve?” He didn’t flick the lights on, because he didn’t want to stun his friend.

“No, she ain’t,” Steve growled as he made his way to his bedroom. Bucky helped him out of his jeans and tucked him in before addressing the elephant in the room.

“So what was that about?” Bucky said as he sat on the bed next to Steve. 

“I wanted to get laid, what the fuck did it look like?”

“Really? Because to me it looked like you could barely walk and Rumlow was going to take advantage of you.”

“Oh come on, Bucky,” Steve spat. “You get to fuck half the school and I’m always supportive of you, but one guy actually wants to touch me, and the only reason he’d want to do it is because he’s a rapist? Am I that fucking disgusting?”

“Your word for him, not mine,” Bucky knew Steve was trying to get under his skin, and had to remember that he was drunk, and he probably didn’t mean anything he’s said, and sure as hell would never say it out loud even if he did, so it took everything in his power to be calm and not shout back. “And you aren’t disgusting, alright? You’re so damn gorgeous, I’m surprised the other half of the school isn’t throwing themselves at you,” Bucky tried pleading. “But what I do? Sleeping with people? That’s different.”

“How? How is it different?” Steve ignored Bucky’s comment trying to bring him up.

“For one thing, there's always a condom involved, and I seriously doubt Brock would care about making things safe for you, and not exploit your latex allergy- he doesn’t seem to care about being that way with anyone, for another, I know and trust the people I fool around with, and neither of us are ever  _ ever  _ intoxicated on anything, and I never have penetrative sex with someone I’m not dating.”

“I trust Brock,” Steve crossed his arms.

“You didn’t even know what sport he played!” Bucky shouted before forcing himself to calm down. “You really think someone who would sleep with anyone who’s plastered wouldn’t lie about being clean, would stop if you passed out, or wouldn’t leave you for dead if you couldn’t breathe, were having a heart attack, or had a reaction since every damn pill bottle you take says ‘don’t drink alcohol while taking this, you fucking idiot’?”

“I’m not an idiot, I knew I was going to be drinking tonight, so I didn’t take my meds this morning,” Steve cringed when he realized what he just said.

“Really? Because that sounds pretty stupid to me,” he shook his head before he got up to arrange Steve’s medication for him, and get a drink from the mini fridge that he had. “Steve, you need to take your meds,” Bucky said calmly and softly as he tried to hand Steve his nightly pills and a box of orange juice, but Steve swatted them away, making them scatter on the ground. Bucky glared at him. “If you don’t think I won’t pry open your mouth and force these down your throat, then you don’t know anything about me.”

“Fine. Give me the damn pills,” Steve gruffed. After Bucky got the fresh pills again, he handed them to Steve, making sure he swallowed them.

They stared at each other for a few minutes before Bucky broke the silence. “Do you need anything, Steve?”

“No,” he grumbled.

“Alright, then I’m going to take off-” Bucky started to turn, but Steve grabbed Bucky’s wrist to stop him. “What?”

Without warning, Steve yanked Bucky down by the collar of his shirt, and passionately kissed him. Bucky momentarily kissed back with as much vigor, but pulled back quickly when his mind caught up with him when he realized what was happening. When he did, Steve spoke in a low voice, “I love you, Bucky,” he felt his heart pound in his chest and his mouth ran dry at the confession. “More than a brother or best friend. If Brock did fuck me, I would’ve been thinking about you the entire time. I can’t stand not being with you anymore. I don’t care if it ruins what we have, I can’t live without you knowing what you mean to me, and I don’t care if knowing makes you hate me or if you never want to see me again. I just- I just need this all out in the open.”

“Nothing could ever make me hate you,” Bucky weakly smiled as he kissed Steve’s forehead and caressed his cheek. “I feel exactly the same way. I love you too, Steve, I always have. But you’re still drunk, and I’ll never take advantage of you, so why don’t you tell me this again when you’re sober?”

Steve felt his heart soar then crash. “But-”

“No ‘buts’, Buddy. I’m sure you waited a long time to tell me, and you can wait a little bit more time, okay?” Steve slowly nodded. “I can stay the night on the couch if you promise to stay in your room. You can tell me first thing tomorrow if you remember all this.”

“Yes, yeah, promise,” He eagerly agreed. 

“Alright,” Bucky smiled before he made his way to the living room. He kicked off his shoes and groaned as he fell face first onto the couch's pillow. He broke out into a smiling fit as he tried to stay silent as he buried his face in the pillow. Steve was  _ in  _ love with him. His best friend that he’s been in love with for years was feeling the exact same for him. Steve was in love with him and he was parading and going on about people he was with. Bucky was hurting Steve by doing that. How much of that anger Steve harbored was his fault? How many fights he had with him or other people or- oh god… 

Bucky shot up when he remembered that night with Jordan. Steve went home without waiting him, and got cut up from ‘falling’ on the glass. Steve had cut himself because of catching him with someone else. Bucky wondered if he’d been doing it since then. His mind started to wander and panic, until he heard Steve’s little snoring, and he calmed down. It wasn’t about him, it was about Steve, and they needed to address it very soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brock Rumlow gets Steve drunk, and it's implied that he was drugged. Rumlow, who's not as drunk, tried to 'sleep with' an entirely plastered Steve before Bucky stopped them.


End file.
